


I'm Not A Perfect Person

by TheYaoiChick



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Don't copy to another site, Eavesdropping, Episode: s04e07 The Secret Sharer, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, Magic Revealed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:00:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23288905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheYaoiChick/pseuds/TheYaoiChick
Summary: Arthur couldn’t honestly say he was happy about Gaius being a traitor, couldn’t be happy at having another piece of his heart being ripped to shreds. But he also couldn’t be happy that the situation is more complicated than he could have ever imagined. Because while losing Gaius had hurt, this new information is tearing apart everything he had ever known to be true.
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 154





	I'm Not A Perfect Person

Arthur hates this.

Hates being betrayed by each and every person he holds dear. Hates that it’s coming to the point where he was starting to wonder that if one of the consequences of being King was that you could never know for certain who was on your side. Not even those you’ve known your whole life. Ones who know you, inside and out, and still manage to cast you in the role of the villain in their lives, despite Arthur having done everything in his power to do right by them and everyone else in Camelot.

Wonders if he should start anticipating a coop. Though gods only knew who would be involved, since it seemed to be a weekly guessing game of who’s going to show their true colors and for what reasons. No matter how petty or misguided. No matter if it was even because of something Arthur himself did, or if it was one of the seemingly hundreds who are simply taking out their anger from his father out on him. Regardless of the fact he wasn’t even old enough to know what was going on around him when most of the hurts they accuse his father of doing had happened.

But in the most recent case, he’s found a new hatred. He hates how others betrayals of him, and how he _must_ react to keep both him and Camelot alive and well, is losing him more and more people. How these people seem to think he should just allow those who would do Camelot harm to just remain at large, to receive no punishment to speak of. How they seem to think he should disregard the explicit evidence to their wrong doings, and instead place blame against the first innocent person to come to mind.

A person from Arthur’s own family at that! As though he hasn’t lost enough family, they expect him to throw away all the love and advice so freely given just to spair them the pain of acknowledging the fact they were _wrong_ in where they put their trust. To _act_ as though they’re the only ones hurting, the only ones who wished this were not happening and that this was all some horrid nightmare that they’re hoping with all their might they’ll wake up from at any minute.

Dammit. He would have thought _Merlin_ of all people would know him better than that! Would know that if there weren’t explicit evidence, evidence that could not be interpreted in any other way, he would have _never_ thought Gaius capable of such treachery. But there was. And there’s nothing Arthur -- or Merlin himself -- can do to change that.

No matter how much they want to.

So, now Arthur has to deal with the fact that should Merlin not come to accept that he placed his trust in the wrong place, he may very well lose one of the only people left who treat him not as a King, not as a leader or saviour, but as simply Arthur. As simply a friend. It isn’t a feeling that Arthur enjoys, all this foreboding will lead him to an early grave. More than any invading army or half assassin in the realm possibly could.

And what’s worse, is that Arthur wished Merlin didn’t have to accept that. Didn’t have to know the sting of betrayal that Arthur has come to know so well. Because for all that Morgana’s betrayal effected them all, she and Merlin had started to drift apart long before then. And it wasn’t as though he’d known her all that long before she’d left anyway. Not like he had, or his father, or Guinevere. So Arthur would bet all the money in the royal treasury that Gaius’s betrayal is Merlin’s _first_ taste in someone not being who they appear to be. His first taste in having his judgement called into question, and given that Merlin has _lived_ with the man since the very day Merlin arrived in Camelot, Arthur wouldn't be surprised if he was wondering if he could be wrong about Gaius then who else was he wrong about? If someone who had taken Merlin under their very wing, and tried to teach him all they knew and treat them as family could so easily toss him aside, then who _could_ he place his trust in?

Well, actually... That’s what will occur to him _after_ it’s actually sunk in that Gaius is truely the traitor he is. Which will only happen once every scape goat Merlin can think of, every excuse in Gaius’s favor has been ripped from him and Merlin could no longer use them as a way to safe guard his heart. But given how tightly he’s holding to the ludicrous idea that this is all a set up put together by his uncle, that could take weeks. Months. Gods help him if it takes _years_. Either way, who knows how many relationships Merlin will destroy in the mean time. And not only the one with Arthur. Because Arthur knows Merlin, and knows eventually he will say the wrong thing to the wrong person, and Arthur will have to take action. And given how many care for _Merlin_ , that will cause resentment from those who care for him.

It’s a never ending circle. One resentment leads to action leads to punishment leads to resentment leads to punishment leads to revenge and again and again until there’s no one left. Arthur thinks that in all the hardships of becoming King, it’s this that he hates the most.

Which is why, perhaps against his better judgement, Arthur decides to go and talk to Merlin. Normally, he’d wait a day or two just to give Merlin some time to cool off so that the fool doesn’t get the chance to say anything that Arthur would be forced to react to, but in this case giving Merlin more time alone simply gives him more time to sulk and draw himself into a rage. Gives him more time to think of imaginary evidence that would paint Agravaine as the traitor, and more time for dead set determined denial to take root. Time Arthur can not afford to give him.

But when he arrives at Gaius’s chambers -- and Arthur realizes that after Merlin’s calmed Arthur will have to have him moved. Both to not to draw upon bad memories and also since once he’s had to hire a new court physician, they may not be willing to house him. May even terminate Merlin’s apprenticeship altogether. Another thing Arthur must think about now -- he hears Gwaine’s voice through the cracked door. Which, in hindsight, would make sense. Arthur isn’t the only person who cares for Merlin, and Gwaine has the advantage of being able to comfort Merlin and not look weak in doing so. Has the advantage of possibly even being _listened_ to, since Gwaine isn’t the King, and as such is forced to be the one who had to place the blame at Gaius’s feet and in turn becoming the very thing Merlin needed comforting from.

It makes _sense_ , but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Doesn’t make the jealousy that Gwaine could so easily be the shoulder Merlin needed to lean on and Arthur couldn’t lessen one drop. After all, Merlin had been there with a comforting speech or silent support every time Arthur had needed him, so to not be able to return the favor is racking at Arthur’s nerves.

What _doesn’t_ make sense is why Gwaine is humoring Merlin’s little conspiracy theories. Why he’s telling him where some dust had come from despite knowing full well that Merlin would go charging there in some mad attempt at proving innocence when there isn’t any. Despite knowing that with Merlin’s bad luck, he was bound to run into any number of things that could get him killed and that knowing that he wouldn’t stand a chance against any of them wouldn’t detour Merlin in the least.

And how is _dust_ in anyway evidence for Gaius being abducted? It could have come from anywhere -- because despite what Gwaine had said about it being in only one particular spot Arthur has been around to know that wind and people’s very feet can carry what seems to only come from one place is actually from miles away -- and it could have come from doing any _thing_. Hell, it could have come from; a raid, a patrol, a trail left by someone else and it simply carried, a fight, travelers, visiting nobles, just to name a few.

As far as Arthur is concerned, Gwaine is simply giving Merlin false hope. Feeding the flames, and once this proves futile, Merlin will simply gather more inane evidence because he’ll now think he’ll at least have the benefit of a Knight to give weight to his suspicions.

In short, exactly what Arthur had been trying to _avoid._ But he knows that he can’t go in there now, can’t try to convince Merlin that this is a fools errand. Not without feeding the flames himself. But he also couldn’t just let them leave, could not leave Merlin’s safety in Gwaine’s hands. Because, yes, he knows Gwaine cares for Merlin as much as he does and that he would do everything in his power to see that Merlin returned to Camelot alive, he also had the bad habit of going along with every whim Merlin had. Knows that if Merlin asked to split up to cover more ground, adding in sad puppy eyes and guilt in saying every moment could count for Gaius’s life, Gwaine would fold like a pack of cards. Arthur on the other hand is far more used to Merlin’s whims and is very practiced in ignoring them for Merlin’s own safety. Is far more practiced in keeping the fool from simply disappearing when things don’t go the way he wants them too as well.

But equally knew that in the mood that Merlin was in, he wouldn’t let Arthur within five feet of this little mission of his. Would accuse him of trying to sabotage it, or of giving up the chase too easily to suit Arthur’s needs. And as such, would put off going until he _knew_ with out a doubt that Arthur couldn’t follow him.

Which really only leaves Arthur with one course of action. He has to wait until they’ve already left, and simply follow their trail. Even Merlin wouldn’t be able to shake Arthur once they’ve already reached their destination.

So, with a plan in mind, Arthur leaves to make arrangements for his disappearance not to cause alarm and to ready his supplies. And begin lying in wait for Merlin and Gwaine to lead the way.

* * *

It doesn’t take long to reach this cavern that Merlin is so certain that Gaius is being held captive in. Some how, they don’t hear Arthur following in their foot steps and Arthur knows that the Knights are now due for a update in their training. Because great tracker and warrior Arthur may be, this lack of observation skills can’t stand among his Knights. Not when there are threats who would be just as good, and if they’re going to go wandering about, they had damn well better be able to protect themselves and anyone within their care.

It also doesn’t take long for them to take out the lone guard standing in their way -- though Arthur didn’t see them do anything, he must be too far away and missed Gwaine’s body moving. It was the only explanation -- and doesn’t take long to prove Arthur’s worries right. They split up, each taking a different fork in the cavern.

Bloody fool, Arthur would have never allowed Merlin to simply go off on his own. Especially with no sword or weapon of any kind to protect himself! Because while it was true Merlin had no skill for weaponry, even fools can get lucky. And one lucky hit could be what stands between him and death. And Merlin had even gone as far to say to leave him behind should Gwaine find Gaius. Which, if Gwaine values his Knighthood at all, he’ll disregard and drag Merlin out kicking and screaming should he come across him. Arthur will have to berate them for this whole madding plan later, once they’re all safe and whole back in Camelot, and Merlin has finally been forced to realize that he’s wrong. And while that isn’t a conversation Arthur is looking foreward to, he has no choice but to make it explicitly clear that he won’t have Merlin placing not only his own life, but those of his Knights, in jeopardy all on a whim and hearsay.

But that’s a worry for once they’ve reached Camelot. For now, Arthur has to protect the fools back, and make sure he doesn’t die for no reason to speak of. Because Arthur is _not_ losing any one else today. He refused to.

He can honestly say though, he wasn’t expecting Morgana. Perhaps that had been naive of him, given he knows Merlin’s luck and his own and neither are on the particularly good side and the fact that now a days it seems Morgana has her hands in just about everything. The only question in Arthur’s mind now though is if; 1) Gaius is working with her and always has been, 2) she’s here to try and convert him to her cause, 3) this is all a coincidence that they’re both here, 4) if Gaius is here at _all_ , or 5)... if perhaps Merlin’s theory on a kidnapping just gained far more weight behind it. And at this point, he’s not even sure which option he’s hoping for. Which will leave the least amount of pain behind and which will cause the least amount of ripples to have to consider.

It takes every bit of his warriors intuition and training to not blow his cover the minute she flings the dagger for Merlin’s throat. And the _only_ thing that stays his hand is that he knows full well he’s too far from both Merlin -- to pull him from the daggers edge -- and Morgana -- to attack her and divert her attention long enough for Merlin to get away -- and all his reveal will accomplish is Merlin’s death. Morgana would kill him here and now, simply to watch the pain it will give Arthur.

He’s not quite sure what to make of her remarks on Merlin meddling in her plans though. Since as far as Arthur knew, Merlin has come to fear Morgana ever since her magic and betrayal have been revealed. He wouldn’t have gone anywhere near her, not without a tremendous amount of backup, which if he had would have been immediately brought to Arthur’s attention. Or at least, it _better_ have been. If people are running around trying to play _hero_ while Arthur remains in the dark, that doesn’t speak well for either his leadership _or_ his own observation skills. And a Kingdom who's King has poor leadership and/or observation skills leads to damnation.

And what could _Merlin_ possibly have done that would have any effects on her plans? He’s not a warrior, so he couldn't have fought her or any of her temporary allies off. He doesn’t have the standing or reputation for any warning to hold any weight, and neither is he cunning or sly enough to even have caught wind of her plans without her knowing of it. In which case, he would have been dead since despite knowing no one would listen, Morgana isn’t stupid enough to risk someone knowing anything of her plans. Or, if not killing him out right for whatever reason, she would have at least captured him. Perhaps to taunt Arthur with the knowledge that he failed to protect those he keeps so close to him, or to have someone to monologue and gloat to. Sorcerers seem to thrive on hearing themselves talk, and Arthur imagines it gets rather dull when the only one hearing that amount of crazy is themselves.

Besides, if Merlin _had_ in anyway known of Morgana’s plans a head of time, he would have told Arthur. Even if he knew Arthur would question how it is he came about the knowledge, Merlin cares too much for Camelot and its people to risk putting it in harms way just to avoid questioning. If nothing else, Arthur can at least be content in knowing _that_ is for certain.

Except... Merlin isn’t denying it. Isn't questioning what she’s talking about, as though they both know Merlin had meddled in her plots and lived to tell the tale. But that doesn’t make any _sense!_ There isn’t anything special about Merlin that he should be alive after sticking his nose in a Knight’s business. Nothing that would suggest that he would actually be a hinder to her plans, and all while doing it on his own.

Because Morgana makes no mention of anyone else. Had Merlin been receiving help from anyone, Morgana would be asking where their help has gone now. Would be gloating that now that he’s alone, he stands no chance at stopping her. But she isn’t. She’s fully acting like Merlin is a gods honest _threat_. It’s mind-boggling!

And it gets even more so at the appearance of what Arthur could only assume is Morgana’s latest ally. Another sorcerer no doubt. Morgana tells him of Merlin’s annoyance, but Arthur finds the man’s reaction to Merlin’s name both odd... and concerning because of. And that worry only builds once Morgana speaks Gaius’s name, and speaking of getting something from him.

Which means that not only had Merlin been right about Gaius being kidnapped, it also meant the man could very well be dead at this very moment. At the very least he’d been tortured. All because Arthur refused to even consider the idea. Arthur wouldn’t blame Merlin should he hate him for it for the rest of his life, because Arthur knows he will never forgive himself for it. And depending on when this torturer finished his interrogation and on how far and fast Gwaine had managed to go, there may very well be more than one death that will remain on his conscience forever because of this day.

And all to find this _‘Emrys’_ person. What sort of name was Emrys anyway? And what does Morgana want with them? Normally Arthur would think it was another sorcerer, someone Morgana would be trying to recruit to her cause but... but there is far too much fear in her eyes to think that she wants him for any good reason. Too much caution to think that she feels anything other than a similar hatred she feels for Arthur himself.

And how would _Gaius_ know of this person? Surely if he knew the identity of anyone who Morgana would fear that much, he would also know that it should be brought to his attention. Either so that this Emrys could ally with Camelot to work together to end Morgana’s terror raid if he’s truely as powerful as Morgana seems to think, to keep him safe should he _not_ be seeing as Morgana sees _Merlin_ as a threat and she could simply be jumping at shadows, or to deal with this Emrys themselves should he prove to be a threat not only to Morgana but to everyone. But, evidently, it would seem as though _none_ of his people know they should be reporting anything dealing with Morgana directly to him. Hell for all he knew, Gaius was the one who was truly trifling with Morgana’s plans, and Merlin simply got placed with the fault!

Well, actually more that Gaius was an _informant_ , and the real one to be messing with her plans was the very Emrys she’s searching for. Makes more sense then Gaius, seeing as he’s an old man and hardly in any shape to either be fighting off Morgana’s goons or sneaking about to uncover any of her plans. Definitely makes more sense than _Merlin_ , who not only isn’t capable of any of those things but is also always too busy doing work for both him and Gaius to be out making trouble.

_But_... that concerned look that showed on Merlin’s face when the man revealed he knew now of this man’s identity and where abouts... could it be that Merlin is also an informant for this man? Could that be the truth behind all those little _‘herb gathering’_ missions that Gaius was all too happy to constantly send him on? After all, they couldn’t possibly be meeting this man within Camelot’s walls. Both Merlin and Gaius are far to recognizable, if they’d been around anyone suspicious it would have been reported. And if they have to leave Camelot’s walls, then it would make far more sense for Merlin to carry along any messages given he would be young and healthy enough to easily make the walk to and fro, and still make it back to Camelot before nightfall. Everyone none the wiser.

Arthur... doesn’t know what to make of that suspicion. Other than to really, truely dislike it. Because no matter the reasons, no matter if Merlin even knew what he was actually delivering, if this Emrys person truely is a sorcerer -- and one powerful enough to have caught Morgana’s attention and fear -- then they are both breaking the law. And not one of the laws that can be easily swept under the rug, where a few coin in bail or a few days in either the stocks or dungeons would clear away the charges. No, consorting with sorcerers of any kind for any reason can only lead to banishment at best, and execution at worse.

And as the thought occured to him, so did another. It meant that Gaius truely _was_ the traitor, since he’d obviously been consorting with magic users even if it _wasn’t_ for the reasons Arthur had thought, and that kidnapped or not, once they’ve saved him from Morgana’s clutches he’ll still have to pay for his crimes. Only now, he’ll have Merlin sitting right beside him whether Merlin knows why or not. And just as he feared, this little mission is costing him more and more friends. Even if not in the ways he thought.

Dammit. He should have never have allowed Merlin and Gwaine to come here. Should have came ahead of them, so that he could have saved Gaius himself and dealt with the betrayal in his own way. To at least get him to a village with a healer, and the knowledge that he was banished for his crimes. He should have shut Merlin away in the dungeons until he calmed down, had Gaius write him a goodbye that Merlin was so sure that the lack of proved Gaius’s innocence.

Then he could have remained ignorant to the pain he was feeling. Wouldn't have to feel as though he’d just received one of the deepest wounds, and now a limb needed amputating. Wouldn’t have to wish that he’d been born as anything other than a prince, and that these horrible decisions wouldn’t be placed upon his shoulders. Wouldn’t have to know that now, with this new knowledge, that not only will both Merlin and Gaius have to be punished for their relationship with this Emrys person, but will both also have to be deeply questioned on both his whereabouts and dealings. About just how big a threat he actually is, and what Camelot will have to do to prepare incase he turns against them.Wouldn't have to know that this questioning -- this torture session really, because Arthur knows that Merlin and Gaius both are the most stubborn and loyalist of men in Camelot and getting answers from them is going to be no easy task -- is going to lose him some of his best Knights.

At the very least Gwaine will have plenty to say on it, if he wasn't already killed in trying to find Gaius. Knows that had Lancelot still been alive, he would have been the one Arthur _really_ would have had to keep an eye on. He always seemed the closest to Merlin, and Arthur wouldn’t have put it past him to either help Merlin and Gaius to escape, or to fight Arthur himself on their behalf. Knows Percival may very well try to do just that, if only to honor Lancelot’s memory. Leon is about the only one he knew would follow his lead, a loyal Knight since his father's era. Elyan though... Arthur wasn't sure where he would fall in this matter.

But he’s getting a head of himself. No point in planning out plans for Camelot or traitors or informants when he wasn’t even sure if all of them here right now will even make it back alive. Especially if its only him and Merlin against Morgana and this unknown sorcerer. The unknown sorcerer, who is currently mocking Merlin on knowing this Emrys persons true identity, and where they are. As if that wasn’t made obvious by when he gloated over breaking Gaius.

“Tell me!”

He sees Morgana hadn’t lost her impatience in her self imposed exile. Though, he supposed if she’d been looking for this person for some time and only _now_ has any leads, he wouldn’t have been much different.

What he _isn’t_ expecting is for her ally to betray her, and attack her when her defenses are down. Is that all sorcerers are capable of? Betrayal? Every time he turns around, a magic user is betraying someone! And to say _never_ , as though he’s on this Emrys’s side. Which makes no _sense_! Not if he had to torture the information out of Gaius, which shows this Emrys doesn’t want to be found since evidentially the name is nothing more than an alias.

But the following conversation he has with Merlin... Arthur is _sure_ he must have been knocked out at some point. Morgana or this Alator must have noticed him, and hit him with some spell that gives people the most confounding visions. Or perhaps this entire journey is a dream, and Arthur is tossing and turning in his bed. Because the conversation he's hearing right now... the _implications_ that it has!

No. No, there are no implications, because obviously Arthur must be hearing wrong. Must be missing something. Must not have all the information. Something, _anything_ , that would make this conversation make sense. That doesn’t paint Merlin as a bloody _sorcerer_! Because if Merlin _had_ been a sorcerer, Arthur would know. They’re together all the time, and no one has the observation skills that he has. He would have _noticed_ if magic was happening around him! Especially if it was at all happening frequently. And Merlin would have _told_ him. Even if he had been too afraid when his father was alive... he would have known **Arthur** wouldn’t have harmed him. Hell, Merlin was so damn giving that if he truely had any power at all, he would have offered to save his father himself instead of forcing Arthur to rely on that bitter and crazed old man!

And besides, this Emrys person is apparently strong enough to scare _Morgana_. _Merlin_ could barely walk half the time. Couldn’t be sneaky if his life depended on it if their hunting trips were anything to go on. Is clumsy as all hell. Can’t follow basic instructions, so Arthur couldn’t begin to fathom how he would be able to follow a _spells_ instructions. Never mind the rituals and practices that sorcerers are so prone to using. Plus he can’t hide a thing, not when he throws everything he owns around his room for any unsuspecting person to trip over. So he couldn’t have hidden any magical object or smuggled in any magical books.

Which begs the question of where he would have even _learned_? Because while yes, there was Will to consider, somehow Arthur just couldn’t see Hunith allowing them to continue to be friends if he was teaching her only son something that would be a guaranteed death sentence. Unless... unless that’s why she sent Merlin to Camelot to begin with. If she had caught Will trying to convert Merlin, but had thought she’d caught it early enough to where Merlin hadn’t been addicted to the rush of power yet, it would make sense to show him first hand what happened to magic users wouldn’t it? The ultimate deterrent.

And about that nonsense Alator is spouting of having been hunted all his life, well... as far as Arthur is concerned if he didn’t want to accept the consequences than he shouldn’t have started learning magic. And it was hardly _all_ of his life. That would imply that magic users are just **born** with these abilities which is absurd. His father would have told him, because so long as those who _had_ been would have obviously been sworn to an oath to either never use it or to look for ways of removing it. Not automatically be sentenced to death over something they had no control over. ....Unless his father didn’t _know_ that there were sorcerers who could be born with magic.

And _that_ leads to thoughts and hopes and fears and guilt that Arthur would have been more than happy to live without. Because _if_ it were possible, could Morgana have been one of them? All that time she advocated on magics behalf, could it have been her way of trying to advocate for herself? To try and peacefully -- or as peacefully as possible given the two most stubborn people alive were involved -- change their fathers view without placing her own head on the chopping block? That... that his unwillingness to listen, that Arthur’s _own_ unwillingness to listen that sorcerers were a plague among them be what drove her to madness?

Because while he’ll never forgive her for turning her rage against the people of Camelot -- who have done nothing and could do nothing about the laws -- instead of centering her anger at the ones that wouldn't listen, that doesn’t change the fact that he and his father may very well have played a part in the makings of it. Play a part in the making of _all_ the attacks that Camelot had suffered over the years.

Because while he has no doubt that their are plenty among them who want revenge for not being allowed to use magic to their hearts content after spending who knows how long to learn it, there would be just as many people angry at the death of a love one who hadn’t actually done anything wrong. Who had been born with it, and since learning of magic was a crime, they wouldn’t be able to _control_ it. Not well enough to hide it, especially if they were caught using it when they were extremely _young_.

Which would also answer a question that Arthur had for years. If learning magic takes all those years that Gaius always said it did to master, all that concentration and dedication, then how was it that little children could do it with ease? Since in Arthur’s experience, little as it admittedly was, concentration wasn’t something young children had an abundance of. The world too new, too many unusual things that always capture their attention away. And the cases had always been even odder when the _parents_ weren’t sorcerers. Because then who exactly was teaching the child in the first place? For years his theory was that greedy parents have tried and failed at learning magic, either not willing to put in all the work or being too stupid to know what they’re doing, so they turn to an impressionable child who soaks up knowledge like a sponge and forced _them_ to grant whatever they desire. But now... If it were true that people could be born with magic then it may also be true that some people simply didn’t have the skill to become a sorcerer no matter how they try. In a way like some people couldn’t sing and others couldn’t fight, no matter how much they dedicate their lives to it.

And that thought leads to Hunith. Because he liked to think he knew her well enough to know she would have done everything in her power to stop Merlin from learning magic. Would have taught him the dangers of it and the threat of what would happen if he was swayed by the temptation. But if magic can just _appear_ , with out having to learn it at all, then he also thinks he knows her enough to know she’d have done everything in her power to keep it hidden. Would have started teaching Merlin when he was young -- whenever it actually appeared since born with it or not, Arthur couldn’t begin to believe it actually showed itself at birth, the power would be far too much strain on a babies body -- to lie and hide and never use it. Would have told him the threats he faced, not as a deterrent from learning it but as a deterrent for telling anyone about it. Possibly even an attempt as a deterrent for using it at all.

Which, if that _was_ the case, then it failed miserably. Because as much as Arthur didn’t want to believe it... it answered questions he’s had about Merlin for quite awhile now. Questions like how he survived always following Arthur on his quests when he was so horrible with weapons and wore no armor. Like why he seemed to disappear randomly, and by time he’s back whatever was ailing Camelot or Arthur at the time was dealt with. How he managed to knock him out during that mess with Sophia, because Arthur _knew_ he wasn’t strong enough to knock him out with a piece of wood.

Answered the unparalleled luck Arthur and his Knights had during battle, that enemies drop swords or tree branches fall on top of them when their backs are turned and they’re defenseless. Probably explained why he always insisted on following after Arthur when he has to kill a beast Gaius claimed could only be killed by magic. And if he’s as powerful as Alator and Morgana seemed to think, if he really was this Emrys person, then it could possibly explain how he survived the Dorocha despite taking a direct hit.

But thinking of the Dorocha makes him think of Lancelot. And on how he was the one who killed the Griffin, despite Gaius’s warning that magic would be needed to kill it. How when they had to take back Camelot from Morgana and Morgause, he and Merlin immediately volenteered to disable the warning bell instead of joining them in freeing his father and now he’s starting to think that had never been their intention at all. Because the bell had gone off, and despite minor wounds they were both relatively fine. And the way those soldiers had just _blown up_... that had to have been magic. And since neither Lancelot nor Merlin mention just _how_ he survived the Dorocha and given how close they’d been with all their whispered conversations... if Merlin did have magic Arthur would bet anything that Lancelot knew about it. Not just knew about it, he’d _covered_ for him! Had helped him in these magical problems, and had apparently proven more trust worthy to Merlin than Arthur himself had.

Which was rediculous! Arthur was the one who protected Merlin. Arthur was the one who kept him paid, and kept away from nobles or his father when he was in a mood. Arthur was the one who allowed Merlin to run off at the mouth, when plenty of others would have his tongue _removed_ for the audacity.

On the other hand.... memories of rants against the evils of magic flood his mind. Morgause and her tricks with his mothers memory, and the old man who had insulted and framed him and Guinevere not to mention killing his father. But he’d helped the druid boy escape Camelot! But he’d also held another at sword point to retrieve the Cup of Life. And Guinevere’s father had been executed simply for being in contact with a sorcerer, whether he’d known what the man was up to or not. And Arthur _had_ said that Tom had brought it upon himself for not calling the guards the second he knew the man was a magic user.

Plus there had been that whole mess with the Dragon Lord. Arthur still didn’t quite understand how Merlin had grown so close to the man so fast that he morned for him that deeply, but for the week afterwards he got the strangest feeling that Merlin had treated him rather coldly. As though he took issue with the fact that Arthur had been more concerned about the fact they had just lost their only shot at protecting Camelot instead of mourning a man he knew nothing about. Arthur had just written it off as another one of Merlin’s sentimentalities, like it had been with the Unicorn, but now he was starting to wonder if it was because he thought Arthur only cared about sorcerers for as long as he could use them, and their lives meant nothing after the fact. Which couldn’t be more wrong! But... given the evidence and the fact he doubted Merlin could read his mind -- he wouldn’t mess up his instructions so much and end up in the stocks if he could -- Arthur could see why he would come to that conclusion. Could see why Merlin would have the concern that Arthur wouldn’t allow him to explain anything, and simply let his feelings of betrayal run off with his mind.

_Especially_ after the Unicorn. Arthur had refused every explanation Merlin had given, and refused to believe that creatures could impact the whole kingdom after their deaths simply for Arthur’s actions. Even when the proof was staring him right in the face. And Merlin may have had faith that he could stop the curse -- though apparently not enough faith to let Arthur do it alone -- he still lectured him for a week about needlessly slaughtering every animal that crossed his path and that he’ll never know if some random buck is actually an Old God in disguise. Again, the knowledge on magic and it’s creatures had seemed weird to Arthur, but he figured since Merlin lived with Gaius he had simply gotten lessons on it from him. And that may still hold true... But now Arthur was wondering if there had been anything _else_ that Gaius had taught him. If, perhaps, Hunith had sent Merlin to Camelot to learn control from Gaius, since it was hardly secret the man had been a sorcerer himself back in the day. He may have even originally been planning to move back to Ealdor once he had, and that it was plain fools luck that he ended up becoming Arthur’s servant.

Fools luck... that had come about after saving him from being killed by a sorcerer. A sorcerer who had been crushed by the chandelier, despite the fact those hangings were checked religiously. Which meant Merlin may very well have not only knocked him out of the way of the knife, but took out the one who sent the danger in the first place.

But why? Why would a sorcerer want to save anyone from the Royal family, knowing that if he’d been caught he’d be killed. Even if he _had_ used it to save his life. His father would have just wrote it off as a plot to curry favor, an attempt to get close to the family to assassinate them. Which Arthur knew -- well knew _now_ anyway, at the time he probably would have agreed -- would be such a stupid and suicidal plan that no sorcerer would agree to it. Not only because every one of them would know Uther’s suspicions would land them on the pyre, but also because even if despite all logic it _did_ work, they’d be the first suspect! Even if someone else assassinated one of them, for reasons completely unrelated to magic, they’d still be placed with the blame. And if there _was_ a sorcerer stupidly desperate enough to try something like that, **Merlin** would hardly be their first choice. Too clumsy. Too noticeable since he was so new to Camelot, so people had been keeping an eye on him anyway just like all the new comers that come in contact with anyone who lives in the palace. Plus he couldn’t lie to save his life.

And though Arthur wished he could say he was wrong about that, that Merlin was actually a far better liar than he could have imagined to be able to hide this from him, the memory of him bursting through doors declaring that he was the sorcerer and not Gwen during that death water phase forced its way to the front of Arthur’s mind. Yelled it for his father and all the court to hear. Honestly. Seems Arthur had been more right on the fact that Merlin had no self-preservation to speak of than he’d thought.

No ambitions either. Because before this, Arthur had thought Merlin had the charmed life. Had had the perfect job for someone of his class handed to him on a silver platter, had plenty of people who wanted to help him, and a master who didn’t sack him for the million of little treasonous things he said just about on the daily. Didn’t sack him for not following orders, and for somehow always managing to land himself in the middle of interrupting whoever seems to be plotting against Camelot that week. Even though that’s never how it appears when he’s agitating the visiting Royalty or Knights. Guaranteed to have a warm bed and a hot meal, which is more than what could be said about the farmers back in his home village. But now? Now Arthur is wondering why any sorcerer would want to be a servant. Especially an apparently _powerful_ sorcerer at that. What could possibly be so great about being _Arthur’s_ servant that Merlin would be happy to serve him until he died, when with his power he could go to a magic faring Kingdom and have himself set up for life?

And that vague proclamation Alator had made... just what kind of world is it that he thinks Merlin is trying to create? Because it definitely isn’t a magic friendly one. To do that he’d have to be trying to convince Arthur of the _good_ in magic, whereas Merlin had time after time agreed with his father about the latest person trying to manipulate him. Hell, if he was truely after magics return, he would have lied and said that what Morgause had told him about his parents was true, and would have happily let him run his father through. Actually, now that he’s thinking about that day, why _hadn’t_ Merlin lied? As a sorcerer, he more than any one should have wanted Uther dead considering how closely he had to be around him constantly. And he wouldn’t have been surprised if Uther had played the boogeyman in a young Merlin's nightmares since he would have undoubtedly heard even from Ealdor what he did to sorcerers. Even if said sorcerer was just a child.

Unless... unless he _had_ lied that day. Arthur had always found it odd, Merlin’s utter need to believe Arthur would make the perfect king. And as far as Merlin was concerned, he wouldn’t want Arthur’s reign to begin with a patricide. Not when magic is at all involved. Perhaps he was worried that down the line Arthur would regret it and come to resent magic and all its people. Since, evident by both Morgana _and_ his father, holding grudges against the innocent is a hereditary trait.

Arthur is knocked out of his thoughts when he sees Merlin begin to leave. Most likely going to find out of Gwaine had found Gaius yet, and if they’ve left like Gwaine promised he would if he had. And it’s as he followed Merlin back the way they’d came that he comes to a decision.

He can’t hold Merlin’s past secret keeping against him, not when everything was set up to doom him if he had and Arthur himself made no effort to show he would be understanding. But that changes starting now. He won’t confront Merlin about having magic, not yet. Not until he has both evidence and proven that he could be trusted with the knowledge. If he still didn’t come foreward, then Arthur would be suspicious and hold the secret against him.

But for now, Arthur is going to apologize to Gaius for allowing him to be kidnapped in the first place and then he wants a full history of magic. What it could do. How many people were using it to harm others verses how many were using it to help before the Great Purge drove everyone into hiding. If people can _truely_ be **born** with magic.

And all the while, he’ll watch Merlin. Sees what he uses _his_ magic for, and where he actually uses it. Because for all that Arthur could _maybe_ accept that he had any at all, he still has doubts about Merlin having ever used it around him. Unless he was unconsious or when he was fighting, and as such couldn’t keep an eye on him. He’ll watch and see if all those times Merlin had claimed to be protecting him had any weight. Because now? Now its not a joke. If Merlin is truely Emrys, then they’re going to have to have a _long_ talk on just which of Arthur’s accomplishments were truely _Arthur’s_ accomplishments. They would have to have a long talk about a great many things, but that was the first to jump to Arthur's mind.

He knows this task won’t be an easy one. Especially not with the traitor still within Camelot. But for a friend, especially one who had done as much for him as Merlin had? It was well worth the effort.

After all, Merlin would do the same for him.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos, comments and bookmarks make my day 💙


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